


The Weaponisation of Chamomile Tea

by postjentacular



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Boys who can't talk about feelings, James has a potty mouth, M/M, MWPP, One Night Stand?, Remus is a swearwolf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-18 20:58:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11298726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/postjentacular/pseuds/postjentacular
Summary: In which Sirius isnotmoping, Remus is confused, Peter wins at snap, James tries his best, and Lily takes no shit.





	The Weaponisation of Chamomile Tea

Remus Lupin cursed the sunlight, he’d spent so many years damning the moonlight he’d forgotten that its counterpart could be just as vicious a bastard. The barely-there glow of the sunrise crept in around the edges of the heavy curtains and repeatedly poked and prodded until his hangover fully woke up. He rolled over out of the emerging daylight – as gingerly as possible so as to not anger his restless stomach or provoke his headache – and allowed himself to take stock. Sirius’ bed: fair enough, the Marauders had all shared beds – both sober and drunk – since they were little Hogwarts firsties, the nudity, however, was new–

“Fuck.”

He clapped his hand over his mouth trying to stuff the sound back in as the memories of what happened the night before hit him like a series of bludgers to the stomach. Next to him, Sirius didn’t so much as twitch. Remus knew how this part went, he’d seen enough others in this role; he slid out from under the blanket and gathered his clothes from the bundle on the floor, he dressed quickly and noiselessly before he slipped out the door without looking back.

#

An incessant _thump, thump, thump_ woke him. It was too early for the sun to be up and – ipso facto – too early for Remus. He fumbled his way to open the front door, his brain too foggy to grab his wand or even switch any lights on.

“Are you dead?” the shape at the door asked tersely without so much as a hello. Remus forced his eyes to focus as the shape stepped over the threshold and flicked a non-verbal lumos bathing the tiny hallway in a gentle white light. “Are you dying?”

“Prongs?” Remus screwed his eyes closed against the light, “What…?” he tailed off, unsure of where to even begin questioning.

“So alive and well?” James confirmed, just as brusquely as his greeting. Remus continued to look confused, barefoot in his faded and frayed plaid pyjamas, but nodded in agreement at the simple statement. “Then what the actual fucking fuck are you playing at?”

“I was on a mission, a full lunar cycle with a pack in...” Remus trailed off, the location unimportant.

“We know you had a mission, Dumbledore told us you were back and debriefed two days ago,” James spat, pushing past Remus into the equally small but twice as dingy kitchen-come-lounge. “Two days!” he shouted, “Two fuckin’ days, Lupin. Where the fuck have you been?”

“Here,” Remus said, still confusedly, “sleeping,” he added, yawning.

“You should’ve come to Godric’s.”

“I was going to, tomorrow,” Remus rubbed his eyes, “maybe Friday. I don’t always come ‘round right away.”

“You should’ve this time.” James ran his hand through his already messy hair, “Of all the fuckin’ times you needed to come round straight away this was the fuckin’ one, Moons.”

“Prongs, what happened?” Remus asked softly.

“Broken!” he exploded. “Fuckin’ broken,” James sunk down onto the threadbare couch, defeated. “I don’t know exactly what you did...” he said to his feet. Remus’ stomach dropped and didn’t stop falling until James spoke again. “I saw the two of you leave Marls’ party together, then the next morning, well…” James paused as he looked for the right words, “...you clearly didn’t just nap together.”

“No,” Remus admitted in barely a whisper.

“I don’t need to know the ins-and-outs,” Remus looked up, knowing that he’ll see James Potter – forever a fourteen-year old at heart – smirking at the double entendre, “but whatever happened between the two of you, it’s torn him to shreds. He’s barely left his room, Dumbledore won’t even let him go on a mission and we both know that man does not give a single solitary shit about emotional wellbeing. Salazar! Pete beat him at snap!”

“It was just sex, James. Just like everyone else.”

“You’re not ‘everyone else’, Moony. You’ll never be ‘everyone else,’” he said softly.

_And that,_ Remus told himself, _was exactly why it had to have been ‘just sex’_.

“You need to fix it.”

_Fix it?_ Remus mentally ran through the possibilities of how to do just that and every time it came back to _‘we could have ignored this if Prongs hadn’t stuck his oar in’_. James looked at him with his kicked crup look – the one they both knew had been precisely calculated over the years to make almost everyone bend to his will – and Remus surrendered a single, minute nod of his head.

“Excellent!” James lept to his feet and threw one of the many discarded jumpers that littered the flat – a mossy green one with holes worn through at both cuffs – at Remus, “Don’t forget to say thank you to Lils,” he said grabbing Remus by the wrist and starting his disapparation spin, “she talked me out of confringo-ing you into next week.”

#

Godric’s Hollow at half-past four in the morning was as still as a millpond, the crack of apparition that echoed around the market square didn’t disturb so much as a dormouse; Lily Potter, however, was – like so often – the exception to the rule. She greeted her husband at the cottage door with a silent hug, nodded tersely at Remus and stepped back before he too could offer a hug, “He’s upstairs.”

Remus hadn’t thought it possible to feel worse after James’ berating, but Lily’s clear disappointment in him ripped the bottom out of his world. “Thank you,” he mumbled hoarsely at her retreating form. Gathering what was left of his Gryffindor bravery he padded upstairs barefoot and knocked on the only closed door.

“Go away Prongs,” Sirius said, languidly from behind the door.

Remus knocked again.

“Fuck off, Potter,” Sirius shouted with more force.

“It’s not James,” Remus said.

There was a pause before Sirius replied, “Fuck off, Lupin.”

Remus tested the door, pushing it open slightly until a wave of magic blasted the door shut in his face. Defeated, he slid down the wall into a crumpled heap. He pulled his jumper over his knees, tucked his cold toes into the hem and waited.

#

“It’s gone on long enough,” Lily’s voice carried clear through the cottage, “it’s been hours, James! Hours!” Remus heard a low rumble in response, obviously James trying to keep his voice down, “I don’t give a stuffed shrivelfig if they hear me! You tried to fix it and it didn’t work, leave it to me.” There was some more shuffling from downstairs, before Lily continued, “Put the kettle on,” she ordered in a tone of voice reminiscent of a commander calling for their warhorse to be saddled.

Lily reached the top of the stairs and squeezed past Remus, _accidentally_ treading on both of his big toes on the way past. She opened the door to Sirius’ room with a flick of her wand and with a second, his curtains.

“Fuck off, Evans,” Sirius hissed as he shielded his eyes from the late afternoon sunshine which poured into his room for the first time in over a month.

“Sirius Orion Black,” she waddled over to the end of his bed and stood, hands on her hips, looking ready to face down an erumpent, “I am too pregnant to have to climb over a bloody werewolf every single time I need to pee and just in case you haven’t noticed I need to pee every bloody thirteen minutes because your godson seems to think my bladder is a bloody bludger.” The slightest of smiles flitted across Sirius’ face as he noticed James had rubbed off on her and she’d, at last, gotten a Quidditch reference correct. “This nonsense will stop, the pair of you will work out whatever shit this this is yourselves or I will floo Marlene and Dorcas right now we will all sit down and talk about feelings over tea like grown-ups. Is that clear?”

“Firewhisky?” Sirius asked with tentative hope, peeling his forearm away from across his eyes.

“Tea,” she said through clenched teeth, “Chamomile tea, and the kettle’s already on.”

Sirius pulled a face of disgust, “Eugh, chamomile tastes like Euphemia’s good parlour.”

“As if you’ve ever been allowed in Euphemia’s good parlour,” Lily needled.

“It’s where she hides the gin,” Remus said from behind her, the men shared a fleeting grin at the memory of discovering Euphemia’s Ruin.

“Tea,” Lily reiterated. “Pots and pots of chamomile tea and feelings. Feelings the two of you,” she pointed between the pair of them, “don’t even know exist.”

“Fuck, Evans,” Sirius exhaled, “hasn’t cruel and unusual punishment been banned in wartime?”

“You pick my house as your battlefield, you play by my rules, Black. Downstairs. Ten minutes.” She turned and waddled back towards the door rubbing her belly protectively, “Oh,” she added to her herself, seemingly as an afterthought, “I should floo Alice to join us, I need to speak to her about mucus plugs.”

“Fine!” Sirius shouted, as he threw his arms up in defeat. “You are a cruel, cruel harpy.” Lily flashed the pair of them a smile and headed out the door, “But Evans,” Sirius called after her, “if I find out there was hair braiding and my luscious locks missed out, I will not be happy.”

Lily gave a light laugh as she closed the door behind her, it had been the closest Sirius had managed to a joke in close to a month and her heart lifted a little. At the top of the stairs she stopped and with a second thought she muttered a particularly strong colloportus before heading to the kitchen for her well earned cuppa.

#

“So…” Remus started awkwardly as he started at his shuffling feet. Sirius pulled himself into a ball, knees tight to his chest. “Prongs… he said that you…” Remus trailed off, mumbling, “said I should do, sorta… well… and Lils...”

“What do you want, Lupin?” Sirius said sharply, interrupting the rambling, all his previous levity long-forgotten.

Remus felt Sirius’ burrowing stare and, at last, looked up. Sirius’ stare didn’t drop as Remus took one, two deep steadying breaths, “you okay, Pads?” he asked softly.

“Just dandy,” Sirius snapped, sounding anything but.

Remus felt himself unclench just a little; a proud and deflecting Black was something he could deal with, “So it seems, I’ll be off then.” He turned to the door and grasped the handle, it didn’t budge. He patted down his pyjama bottoms as if looking for his wand before realising how stupid that was, then rattled the doorknob again with as little success.

“You were quieter the last time,” Sirius said.

“Well, the last time Lily hadn’t locked us–” Remus stopped himself. “You heard me,” he said. It wasn’t a question.

“Of course I did,” Sirius said, as if nothing could be more obvious.

“You didn’t say anything.”

“You clearly didn’t want to be here.” Remus blanched at the acerbity, “Was it really that awful?”

“Sirius, I, we,” Remus said turning away from the door, “we were drunk.”

“I don’t think either of us were as drunk as you’re remembering, and,” he continued less surely, “you’re using it as an easy excuse.”

“You know what‽ Fine, I fucked up! Is that what you want to hear?” Remus shouted too loudly for the small room, “For one fuckin’ moment in my life I didn’t think and now I’ve fucked up three friendships, probably four, shit, all of them because, of course, Pete’ll take your side because who wouldn’t?” Remus scrubbed his stubbled chin viciously, “Believe me, if could change what happened I would. I would go back and I wouldn’t have fuckin’ ruined it. Fuck!” Running out of steam, he slowed, “I’m supposed to be the one that thinks things through; you act, I think. That’s how it works… how it worked.” 

“Maybe I didn’t think it would ruin it,” Sirius said softly, voice cracking.

Remus looked up and Sirius had never seemed smaller, eyes red and his heart ripped out across his entire being, “Oh, fuck,” he exhaled.

“And the sickle drops,” James called through the locked door.

“What the hell, James‽” Remus shouted back.

“Leave him be,” Sirius said, “it saves me from having to relive this nightmare later.”

“He knows?” Remus asked.

“Merlin’s saggy balls! Everyone knows, Moony!” the voice behind the door replied, “Even Mrs Figg was asking about the pair of you over tea last Wednesday.”

“Fuck off James, this doesn’t concern you,” Remus replied.

“The hell it doesn’t, Moons!”

“James,” he growled threateningly, immediately hating the lupine timbre that had crept in.

“It’s fine, Prongs,” Sirius said evenly, “you can go.” There was a few moments of silence on both sides of the door before the telltale creak of the stairs signalled James’ leaving.

“How did everyone know but me?” asked Remus.

“I didn’t,” Sirius said quietly, “not at first, not ‘til…” he took a slightly shuddery breath, “...not ‘til after.”

“‘Til after I left?” Remus asked.

Sirius nodded, stretching out a little. “Do you ever let anyone in?” he countered with a question of his own.

“Do you?”

Sirius choked back a snort, “You’ve met James Potter, right? Specky, messy-haired git, curses like a sailor? Ring any bells?”

Remus rolled his eyes, “I’m familiar with his work. He’s been quite a _deer_ about keeping a secret of my own.”

Sirius shook his head, as much dismay at the terrible pun as Remus’ answer, “No, the three of us barged our way in uninvited and you were too much of a wuss to even try and ask us to leave. Do you ever _let_ anyone in?”

“Pads, I don’t understand, what does that have to do with everyone knowing about...” he gestured vaguely between the two of them, “...this?”

Sirius leant back against the headboard, tipped his head back and spoke to the ceiling; the ceiling doesn’t see through him, the ceiling doesn’t judge, “Blacks are big on keeping secrets, we don’t talk about anything, but Prongs, he just fuckin’ knew. He knew before I did. Brazen as all hell in front of fuckin’ everyone asks when I’m going to do something. Everyone! Not a single fuckin’ one of them was surprised. Then you disappeared,” his breath hitched and he dug the heels of his palms into his eyes, “and there’s no way you couldn’t have known, you’re always the fuckin’ smartest in the room, you had to–”

“I didn’t know,” Remus reiterated firmly, “if I had, shit, I wouldn’t have spent the last month berating myself for being drunk and selfish, and,” he let himself look away, “I certainly wouldn’t have felt guilty that that bloody smirk of yours showed up in the middle of every single wank.”

“Just the middle?” Sirius said, deliberately plastering said smirk across his face.

“I’m serious,” Remus gave a warning shake of his head, sometimes Sirius had to let the opportunity to pun pass, “I thought this was my one chance to get a taste of something I wanted. It’d just be another notch in your bedpost but I’d have had…”

“Something you wanted?”

“Yeah,” Remus admitted softly.

Sirius took a couple of slow deep breaths before he spoke again, “What do you want?” The question was hesitant and so un-Sirius-like, almost as if he were afraid of whatever the answer would be.

Remus squirmed uncomfortably; he didn’t have an answer, he’d never even considered the possibility the question would be asked. “Dunno,” he twisted and fidgeted his fingers working them further through the holes in his cuffs, “you?”

“I want a nap,” Sirius shuffled over to one side of the bed and flipped back the blanket on the other. “Well? You’re dressed for it.”

Remus climbed into the bed and settled a respectful couple of inches away from Sirius. Harrumphing and wriggling, Sirius draped himself like a human blanket over Remus’ chest, burying his nose into the warm woollen jumper, just like he’d done countless nights before, nights after the full moon.

“Pads?” Remus asked quietly, Sirius mumbled enough to let him know he was still awake, “Can I ask you something?” Remus felt the nod against his chest, “Did you really let Pete beat you at snap?”

Sirius tsked, “ _Let_ is such a subjective word, Moony.”

Two cups of chamomile tea went cold outside the unlocked bedroom door.

**Author's Note:**

>  **Standard fanfic disclaimer:** If you recognise it, it belongs to J.K. Rowling; this is just fanfic for nothing other than entertainment purposes.


End file.
